For the Mama With Postpartum Depression

I see you. Weeping as your new baby cries and there's nothing that seems to stop the noise. You want to run. You wish you weren't a mom. Then a powerful overwhelming guilt is like lead on your heart because you know you love your baby. You'd never actually run away. But you're scared. You're scared of all these terrible intrusive thoughts. I see you. Feeling lost and lonely. No one seems to understand the turmoil in your heart. No one seems to understand how desperately you want to be a good mom but you feel like a failure. When you're all alone with your baby and you don't want anyone to see the mess you are but at the same time wish someone would just walk in and help you out. You wish you didn't have to ask. You don't want to be a burden. But you're suffering. I see you. Swollen breasts, cracked and bleeding nipples. Contractions while nursing. Still bleeding. Sitting is painful. Walking is painful. You were looking forward to the end of the pregnancy pain only to enter into the pain of postpartum. Why does everything have to hurt on top of the emotions, adjustments, stress, and anxiety? I see you. Guilty and terrified of the awful thoughts that intrude upon your mind. Thoughts of harm. You want to hurt yourself. You have urges to hurt your baby. You can't believe that these things would ever come to mind because you know you love your child…but do you? You wonder how you can truly be a good mother if you want hurt your child. But no. No you truly don't. Would never. So why these thoughts? I see you. Suffocating from the endless amounts of unsolicited advice and opinions. Consumed with comparison. You know in your head that everyone faces challenges but in your heart you feel that you are doing so much worse. Other moms are more put together. Other moms have easier babies. Other moms don't feel like they are dying a little each day. I see you. You feel ugly. Unattractive. Undesirable. You wonder how these other moms manage to shower and put on makeup when it takes all your will power to get out of bed. The reflection facing back at you in the bathroom mirror is that of an exhausted sleep deprived face. Dark circles under the eyes that refuse to fade away. Will you ever sleep again? The body you once knew and recognized is gone, replaced by a figure painted with stretch marks and scars.

I see you. Sick of hearing how it will get better. Sick of hearing people tell you to sleep when baby sleeps. Sick of hearing how precious these days are and how you should enjoy every moment. Yes. Maybe they are. But you don't need to be told that sometimes. Sometimes you just want someone to hear you. To say, "Wow. That is hard." I see you. I hear you. I am with you. The things you feel do not mean you are crazy. You are not a bad mother. You are not a failure. You are not alone. You aren't the only one who has felt or feels this way. When you nurse for the fourth time in the night, there are hundreds of moms doing the same thing. Postpartum is difficult. Postpartum depression is suffocating. I will not give advice here. Instead I offer solidarity. Can I be a friend for you for one moment? If I was beside you, I'd be hugging you. You can cry. You can speak out the scary thoughts. No judgement here. You are doing your best. You're allowed to love your child but grieve your old life and old self. Indeed, you are a new person. You are a mother, and that is a huge responsibility. I know the weight of that can seem like a lot. It's ok. You've got this. I've been there fellow mama.